Confessions of a pastor | Part 1

My journey of learning how it’s okay to not be okay, but it’s not okay to stay there.

“I’m not okay with who I am right now.”

This was what I shared with the team I get to lead during my first day back after my annual ministry break.

Super inspiring opener, right?

Maybe it would have been better to begin with, “I just feel the blessing of God on my life right now!” or “During my break God really encouraged me to keep doing what I’m doing!”

But I don’t feel that

and I didn’t hear that.

Is this okay to say?

Because the truth is that I went into my break worn down. I didn’t feel blessed, I felt tired. Real tired. And not the I-didn’t-get-enough-sleep kind of tired, but more like the my-soul-is-running-on-empty kind of tired. Have you ever felt that before? And God didn’t bring to my mind all the clichés I’ve heard before like…

The best is yet to come!

Choose joy!

I think God knew that I didn’t need to hear that. So instead during my break I felt like God whispered into my heart the words I didn’t want to heart but knew was true…

“Travis, you’re not okay right now...”

Now before you draw conclusions let me be clear that it’s not that I had anything that would be called habitual or horrendous sin in my life. But what God began to show me is that I had small degrees of distraction, that if continued over time, would land me far from a full life and God isn’t okay with that version of life for me

But isn’t this how most of us find ourselves running on empty?

It’s not that you’ve killed anyone.

You’re not an alcoholic or addicted to pornography.

You’re not embezzling money.

You don’t beat your spouse.

You’re a nice person (most of the time).

You’re a good worker.

You try to be generous.

Yet lurking in our hearts and minds are these small degrees of distraction that end up taking you far from your intended destination. And then you take a look at your life and wonder:

How in the world did I get here?

It all began with a small and seemingly insignificant degree of distraction.

Your phone isn’t inherently destructive, but it can become a degree of distraction if it receives your constant attention and you no longer know how to be present with actual people.

Your work isn’t inherently destructive (work was God’s idea after all!), but it can become a degree of distraction when you tie your identity to your ability to achieve and produce.

Aspiration is not inherently destructive, but it can become a degree of distraction if you can never be present today because you’re mind is always thinking about tomorrow.

And if a small degree of distraction is left untouched for too long, that small degree of distraction can lead you miles away from the destination your soul craves for.

So like a GPS for my soul God began to reroute me as he spoke to my heart and said:

“Travis you’re not okay right now…but if you’ll allow me to identify these degrees of distraction and if you’re willing to be disciplined in some areas in your life, I will fill your soul once again with the life and joy that you seek.”

And over the course of my break God began to identify some small areas of my life that I had allowed to become degrees of distraction. Like a small leech it had been sucking the life out of me. Some of these things I was aware of, while others I wasn’t aware of but now I see have been taking my eyes off the life God is inviting me into.

“I’m not okay with who I am right now.”

That is my first confession that I’m finding freedom in acknowledging. Over the course of the next few posts I will be sharing the other confessions that I’m making as God in his ridiculous grace is rejuvenating my soul.

And the good news is that even though I entered into my break not feeling okay, I ended my break knowing that God is beginning a work in me and that everything in the end will be okay and I’m excited to continue this journey.

If you’re reading this and you don’t feel okay, I want to assure you that it’s okay to not be okay.

But you and I can’t stay there.

God is leading us somewhere better if we will walk with Him and trust Him.

So if you’re not okay, let’s walk together somewhere better.